Pillars for Coaching in Socially-Turbulent Times by Larissa Conte (guest)

2016 was a tumultuous year across all fronts—politically, ecologically, socially, economically—and 2017 is poised to be similarly ripe with turbulence and great change. In this global and social context,

• What is the role of coaching and the contribution of our field?
• How can we support individuals and teams to grow into their potential and be agents of change, while also taking steps in our work to affect larger, positive social change?

Following the U.S. election of Donald Trump as president, I shared a rich conversation with the good coach’s incisive and wonderful, Yvonne Thackray, about these questions and my approach to showing up now as a coach. In general, I believe we’re here, as coaches, to hold space, create clarity, and offer practices for our clients to grow into their greatest selves. So how does our practice shift or evolve to meet these times?

I call upon the following pillars for myself and with my clients to more effectively navigate and positively contribute in these times. Interestingly, the core principles are the same for both coach and client.

1. Prioritize your foundation of self-care
2. Make space to process what’s going on
3. Learn about change, uncertainty, and fear to better surf the waves
4. Be curious about your biases and blindspots
5. Take a stand for what you believe in
6. Find your leverage points, prioritize, and act

In addition to outlining dynamics or approaches for each pillar below, I share illustrative stories from my experience applying these pillars (in italics) to more closely align my coaching practice with a socially-relevant business model for these times.

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1. Prioritize your foundation of self-care

The night of the U.S. presidential election, I went to bed prior to the winner being announced because the outcome, while not final, seemed clear and I was exhausted. I’d been holding space for great anxiety amongst my U.S. and international clients in the days leading up to the election and had very intense feelings of my own. I knew if I was going to be of help to anyone the next day or the rest of the week, I’d need to connect to my foundation and resources, amongst which sleep is primary.

The same was true for my clients in the days after the election. I realized this as every single one of them expressed energetic turmoil and emotional exhaustion. I encouraged them to prioritize sleep, minimize media consumption until they could feel centered, and created a visualization for them that served as an antidote to the internal tornado they were experiencing.

Why? I strongly believe in self-care as the foundation for effective change, since it directly influences our health, growth, and leadership. If we aren’t taking care of ourselves, we can’t possibly show up well for others. That’s why I champion self-care and inner listening from the outset of each client relationship, and hold it as critical to my own business success. Whether in times of calm or great change, our self-care routines are the foundation that ground and nourish us. They act as both anchors and wellsprings, and we need routines on all levels—physical, emotional, mental, spiritual—that fill our well and allow us to show up. When the seas of life are stormy, self-care helps create an inner calm from which we can meet and best navigate the outer storm.

On a deeper level, the practice of self-care and the listening that’s required to create alignment in our own beings allows us to have deft skill at perceiving misalignments and key leverage points in systems. We need this skill as coaches, of course, but all of us need this at this time as our systems—social, political, ecological, etc.—are evolving to address the different friction points and misalignments that are threatening the health of our systems as a whole.

To me, it seems that if we are to make great strides collectively, we must make individual strides toward internal alignment by no longer choosing to abuse ourselves or ignoring what we most need.

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2. Make space to process what’s going on

After going to bed on November 8th, I woke up in the middle night, heard that Donald Trump had won, and went outside to sit under the stars. Being inside felt too small to hold all that I was feeling. It happened to be a clear night in San Francisco, and I sat on the roof for 2.5 hours bearing witness to the massive emotions roaring through my heart. I not only felt myself, but the city, the country, the upset and tensions in the human collective, Life and the Earth, the arc of history, the mystery . . . It was a lot to feel.

The heart, I’d recently learned through personal experiences, is an organ of sensation rather than an organ of action. Much like a riverbed, the heart is meant to let the river of emotions flow through the act of feeling. And so I sat there feeling everything—tension and all—knowing that (1) I wouldn’t be able to be of significant service until I’d tended to my own feelings and (2) clarity on what to do or how to take action would arise in the ebb of the emotional tide. 

Living at this time brings up so many feelings. The constant stream of stories about war, injustice, cruelty, death, innovation, art, brilliance, survival, triumph, etc. are coming faster than humanity has ever had access to. Often, faster than we can digest and incorporate in our beings. This can be profoundly overwhelming, and sometimes we don't want to feel because opening up to all of this—truly letting it in—can feel like we're going to drown because the feelings are so strong. The downside of choosing to be numb, though, is that the feelings accumulate and are more difficult to access and release, the longer we let them stagnate.

That’s why we, as coaches, can play such an important role for our clients by regularly giving them a space to pause, feel, and process how they’re being affected by larger events. We can also ask them, “How else are you making space to process in your life?” since we are not always available for them.

We also need to prioritize such space for ourselves, whether it’s with our own coaches, therapists, colleagues, friends, or family. I make this space for myself through regular 1:1 check-ins with colleagues and friends, and am beginning to convene a regular circle for colleagues to feel and process together in this New Year.

I’ve also been asking myself, “How can I hold space for wider circles of society in meaningful ways?”

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3. Learn about change, uncertainty, and fear to better surf the waves

As I sat under the stars that evening, I could feel fear in the big field and its impulse to rise up in me. But I’ve experienced the damaging effects of allowing fear in my consciousness and body, so I held an acute awareness to not let it take root. Instead I watched the impulse and breathed through it, opening back up into the feeling, into my center, and into not knowing what the future holds.

While the exact details of each new event or moment of change differ, there are underlying patterns and principles that, when understood, make navigating change and the mystery much easier. Here are some of the patterns I’ve experienced humans having in relationship to change, uncertainty, and fear.

• Change makes us present to the uncertainty and mystery of life, and always poses a great opportunity to grow and learn as we encounter new circumstances. It shakes up the illusion that we are in control and have any idea what is going on. This can be exciting and ripe territory to grow, but it can also be uncomfortable, destabilizing, and generate an impulse to latch onto something concrete. Interestingly, fear often fills this role.
• Fear distracts us from feeling our feelings or being present to the bigness of the mystery because it focuses in on a very specific point and just ping-pongs around the field of our awareness. Fear is a very, very small aperture and the payoff we get from it is that we don't have to look at the big picture. We don't have to look at or feel the complexity, intensity, or the overwhelming, crushing reality that we have no idea what's going to happen. There’s something in humans that really can’t stand not knowing, so we have a strong incentive to distract from the reality of the mystery. But the cost is that fear delays the digestion of feelings, it clouds our vision, and it cripples our creativity. In my own experience, fear also palpably poisons the health of my body.

It’s a subtle position to find the place of realistic honesty about the state of things, not be naive about where certain aspects of the tide may go, and also hold an optimistic and committed perspective for the greater good. Ultimately, I believe in the possibility that we can find our way forward together. I shared these perspectives on change, fear and the mystery with my clients the next day and in the weeks after as relevant and they felt empowered by knowing why we give into fear and how we can reorient our awareness to a creative, grounded place.

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4. Be curious about your biases and blindspots

As coaches, we’re trained to dance with the fact that each person has a subjective (aka limited) experience of reality, we each adopt unique behaviors and biases based on our beliefs about reality, and we each carry blindspots about ourselves and the nature of things. Basically, we make a living off of helping people see their limiting beliefs and blindspots and learning to grow beyond them based on our own life experience.

I think we have a great responsibility as coaches to own our own biases and limitations, and how they impact those we serve. To see the ways we’re limited in what we can offer and the ways in which we are divisive, judgemental, adversarial, uneducated, or closed. It’s tough work, but feels utterly necessary if we are to be effective guides in helping others examine and live beyond their shadows.

In addition to leaning more into helping my clients examine their blind spots and limiting beliefs about the collective, I’ve been more curious about how to leverage these skills more broadly for society and ever more deeply in my own self-examination. Especially as societal events arise, I’ve been asking myself:

1. Who do I think I am? What’s my concept of myself as a participant in the collective?
2. How am I racist, classist, gender normative, xenophobic, etc.? How do I other or separate from people?
3. How am I using my skills and privilege, and for whom?
4. How is my self-concept or my commitment to human thriving as a coach mis/aligned with my other beliefs and behaviors?
5. What’s required for me to own, feel, learn, and do, so I can be a more effective agent of healing?

I believe that so much of the work right now is about,

• Recognizing where and how we’re fractured,
• Listening into those divides and shadows with curiosity,
• Asking what’s required to evolve to more life-supportive patterns, and
• Understanding the interrelatedness between the individual and collective levels.

It's brutally uncomfortable to delve into this territory, and yet it’s required for evolution. It’s also part of the gift we as coaches can contribute—holding space to encounter and learn from personal shadows and our collective shadows.

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5. Take a stand for what you believe in

After some sleep, my night vigil, and grounding the morning after the election, I knew I was in a place to give to others on a day when many in the country, and around the world had heavy hearts. On that day, at that time, emotional support felt like the most critical thing to give. I wanted to give people a sense of love and fellowship in an immediate way, especially those who had been most targeted by Donald Trump’s slurs and threats and those who’ve already been in the long fight for civil rights who were feeling exhausted looking at the road ahead.

Living in San Francisco’s Castro neighbourhood—one of the first gay neighbourhoods in the U.S.—I was inspired to run down to the morning commute trains wearing a t-shirt I made that said “Free Hugs.” I stood there for 2.5 hours offering everyone who walked by a hug. About half of the people ignored me or acknowledged me and politely declined. But the other half either softly stepped into the offer or walked directly to me through the crowd. Each hug differed in its tone—some hopeful and light with a laugh saying, "I totally need a hug today," while others collapsed into my arms with sobs and the heaviness of grief. Some were brief and guarded, while others stretched into a deep embrace. Some said, "We're going to be OK," and others lamented in great despair. A gorgeous spectrum of people—gay, straight, Black, Latino, Asian, White, women, men, disabled, mostly adults, and one baby.

Feeling all these hearts, meeting all these hearts as I hugged each person was a profoundly moving experience. Each heart, whatever it held in it was beautiful and I could feel the strength, goodness, love and beauty that connects us all. All told, I hugged about 175 people and shared the story with my online community, which cascaded its own wave of impact.

One of the great gifts of our feelings is that they reveal to us our values and inspirations. When we are so moved internally, it can cause us to act externally. These times we live in ask for each of us to stand for what we believe in. As a coach, as one who stands for the potential of each individual, I stand for the potential of all individuals, all of life. So I am communicating this ever more clearly in my practice and how I choose the business I take, in addition to the actions I take in my personal life.

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6. Find your leverage points, prioritize, and act

Ultimately, we have limited energy and there’s only so much we can do to affect change. On top of that, the current arc of change seems to be more akin to a marathon than a sprint, so being strategic with our energy and focus is key. Given this, how does one prioritize which actions to take?

I asked myself this question a few days after the election, focusing on how to best leverage my networks and involvement with them, since collective intelligence seems crucial to address these never-before-encountered challenges on our plate. These four guiding principles seemed key for my strategic action:

1. Leverage your strengths
2. Connect with allies working in the same space to fortify best practices
3. Connect with allies working in different spaces to cross-pollinate efforts and teach each other
4. Choose 1-3 networks/circles to invest in
   

Then I identified six main circles that connect to my gifts and passions and narrowed down to the following three:

• Coaches and healers
• Cross-sector change makers who share a common community connection
• Heart-centered business allies
  

In convening these circles, the next steps I outlined were:

1. Issue the invitation to potential circle members or accept another’s invitation
2. Agree on the purpose of the circle
3. Get clear on how involved each person wants to be and in what role
4. Start prototyping and experimenting together to see what's possible
5. Evolve from there
   

With my clients, many of them experienced a swirling of indecision about what to do after the election and where to direct their energy. I helped them focus and prioritize with the following questions:

• Based on your skills and your position in life, what can you do to be the most effective lever for the change you wish to see?
• What are your strengths that you can lean into to really leverage? Yes, we all need to grow right now, and it's also a time to use your strengths.

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What’s next? Getting involved across scales

Many of our opportunities for learning right now seem to be about how we take care of the self while being a contributing participant in the collective. This doesn’t mean subsuming the self into the collective, but rather holding awareness and a sense of accountability for our individual bodies and beings, as well as the collective body. We get to learn how health and thriving on different levels interrelate.

There are massive imbalances in our social and ecological body right now with so many points to intervene. It’s as if we’ve had a shared quadruple bypass globally. Now we get to look at where the blockages exist and try to create the connections that lead to greater flourishing. The complexity of challenges before us are beyond any one person’s capacity to solve, so we must work together to find a way that isn’t yet clear.

Yes, turbulence is intense and can be exhausting and full of loss. But it is also ripe with creative opportunity and movement that emerges into the space created by the shedding. May we each use our best skills and listening to discover a way forward that works for the whole. 

Questions:

• How do we do that?
• How can we not be adversarial whilst at the same time not being be naïve?
• How can we learn from each others’ perspectives, and ask what none of us have considered yet?

To connect with Larissa Conte, larissa@wayfinding.io

Larissa is a leadership coach and rites of passage guide through her business, Wayfinding. She teaches leaders to navigate from their deep listening into greater alignment by blending ten years of experience in leadership coaching, culture consulting, ecosystems science, ceremony design and facilitation, and holistic healing.

Larissa’s offerings range from 1:1 coaching and leadership circles to nature-based rites of passage and leadership qigong. All of her work is designed to help clients foster integrity through inner listening, embody their authentic leadership style, and navigate from their center, so they can more skillfully serve as stewards of creative energy. She’s worked with hundreds of leaders across the Fortune 100 and startups and is based in San Francisco.

Mindfulness is no longer a 'nice-to-have' - by Charlotte Murray

Åhus beach in Skåne, SwedenWhat is mindfulness to you? What does it mean for your everyday life? Mindfulness has become a buzz word in many professional spheres – be it in executive coaching or leadership development. Personally I’ve always found that the word is abstract and ‘fluffy’, and when it gets overused, it loses its value or meaning altogether. But perhaps it’s not the meaning of the word that’s important or relevant, instead maybe it’s the sentiment or feeling behind the word that matters. If this is the case then mindfulness is no longer an abstraction because it is tied to a tangible feeling.

The Oxford dictionary defines mindfulness as “A mental state achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the presentmoment, while calmlyacknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts, and bodilysensations, used as a therapeutictechnique.” Within this definition, I see other words that I would use instead of mindfulness – like presence and self-awareness. Again, these words can have many meanings depending on your context, and some people might group them all into the ‘fluffy’ category.

How do these ‘fluffy’ terms like mindfulness, presence and self-awareness matter in a professional way? I believe that mindfulness is a key differentiator between being a good leader and being a great one. The Harvard business review recently published an article on how ‘Mindfulness can change your brain, literally’. It discusses new research in neuroscience that collated more than 20 studies conducted around the world in the last few years showing a direct correlation between practicing mindfulness and changes in the brain. The research goes on to make direct links between the changes in the brain and the impacts these changes have on relating to others, reducing stress, and making better decisions.

I’ve noticed that when I don’t practice yoga for a week or two, or if I don’t take time for myself regularly, I become more irritable and I communicate less clearly. I get frustrated more easily, and find it more challenging to think creatively to solve problems. I basically get stuck in a rut more easily. As soon as I begin practicing yoga again, almost immediately, I’m a different person; more calm, more prepared to take whatever comes my way. What differences do you notice about yourself when you are more or less mindful?

The HBR article makes the argument that “Mindfulness should no longer be considered a “nice-to-have” for executives. It’s a “must-have…” If this is really true, how can we support each other in becoming more mindful and in the end better leaders? Returning to the definition of mindfulness, there are two elements that we might seek out to help us: one is being present in the moment, and the other is accepting what you are feeling or experiencing in the present.

Sometimes, at least for me, it might feel like being present, and accepting whatever feelings or sentiments in the moment takes too much time, especially with a lot of things going on. That being said, I’ve found that there are several things that have supported me in working on bettering my mindfulness, and they all revolve around focus and choice: focusing on one thing at a time, keeping my daily to-do list short (maximum 3 items), and of course, practicing yoga regularly, which I admit has not been the case lately, and visualizing a place or view that helps you focus (mine is the Åhus beach in southern Sweden, hence the photo).

In the end, I don’t believe mastering mindfulness is possible. It’s not like when you climb a mountain and reach the top, and then you’re done. Improving your mindfulness is an on-going developmental process which is crucial to becoming a better manager, a better leader, and in the end a better person.

So I leave you with these questions:

• What does mindfulness mean to you?
• What steps could you take to improving your mindfulness?
• What benefits do you/ would you expect to experience for yourself from practicing mindfulness regularly?
• What actions might you take to support others at home and at work to practice mindfulness?

Smiling and Laughter really matter in coaching by Jeremy Ridge

Smiling and laughing (spontaneously expressed by the other person – not because you do it, or want it! ) is arguably the most important evidence, or data, that we can get about the progress of a coaching dialogue. Certainly it is for me.

I’m not out to be a comedian!

It is a serious element of my practice. It may be mixed with more straight forward dialogue – but periodically, it becomes an important part of checking out, of self supervising – that the other person is also in a good place with it all.

I don’t know you well enough to get a smile, or a laugh, from you… yet! … for me, that needs getting more personal with you – in the sense of a dialogue that might matter for you.

However I am amazed ( not a laughing matter! ) that it is so absent from all the writings, ( I have seen, anyway ) in books , journals, research in the coaching field even with the positive psychology movements, and appreciative enquiry etc etc … even in conversations about what is going on ..  let alone the wider related fields ( counselling , therapy etc, etc.)

Other fields always seem to prefer to get to the negatives of experience and behaviour – the emotional – the serious and invisible ‘problems'. Dealing with positives (more to do with opportunities) is what coaching specialises in. So we need to create a means of appreciating these positives. Smiling and laughing are often the first, early, indicators about being on the right track

Let’s get it onto the table and realise its significance. We all use it. We all measure it - sometimes more or less knowingly! Some can articulate and differentiate the extraordinary detail involved, especially when it’s the ‘ eyes ‘ that smile; or it can be in the tone of voice, even!

It is such a spontaneous behaviour, and therefore good valid evidence of what is happening now. It is often less controlled. It signals some important positives. It signals a trust in the dialogue, for example – when someone can release these reactions to you. It’s often an early signal of pleasurable ‘ feelings ‘( smiling ), or if it’s laughing , well then you get a whole lot more understanding of where some of the other person’s boundaries may lie. ( Laughter is expression of some sort of a ‘surprise'.)

Smiling and laughter are connected. One is more of a physical act of expression than the other. Both forms are driven by very human physical features.

Yes it can be acted. Yes it is complex – which is why it is below the current radar of formal study. So are many things until we learn about them. People used to believe the earth was flat, when they never saw beyond their village; and the evidence wasn’t yet convincing. We have to start somewhere. Hence this attempt to see if it is also something seen as important elsewhere.

Yes people do smiling and laughing differently. Yes there are massive cultural variations, ( even my next door neighbours have a unique profile for how they do it  ) And some personalities do it so internally, the trace is merely a moment’s hesitation – as they process.

Yes, it’s the leading edge of how I personally practice. The first thing I do is work out how to get a real and positive smile,  then a laugh reaction about something.

Coaching is about bringing such excitement, and expression about it, into life – the excitement of continuous learning, and sharing this with others, - the positive feelings and surprise we can always find in life - and work … 

I trust this day is bringing such reactions for you, too - and you have enjoyed a smile and a laugh!

To connect with Jeremy Ridge, go to https://uk.linkedin.com/in/jeremyjohnridge

Gratitude - by Charlotte Murray

I can remember many of the times of how and where I spent Canada’s national holiday (July 1st). This week was the first time in 10 years that I spent it in Halifax. And it got me thinking about how important relationships and friendships are, and not to take them for granted.

I recently re-read an article on the ‘gratitude brain’  where scientific studies had shown how the brain changes when one practices gratitude. The more you seek out and practice gratitude, the more events and situations you encounter to be grateful for.

This article showcased several different studies in gratitude and the effects not only on the brain, but on the people’s lives and health. Several of the studies required the participants to keep a gratitude journal. With each entry, they discovered the participants were exercising better, sleeping better and less depressed.

While I don’t keep a gratitude journal myself, I do keep a weekly report for the progress of our budding technology business (we’re in week 42 now). And, I see these blogs as my way to reflect and take a step back and refocus. Seeing that it is the start of a new month, and finally feeling like summer has arrived, my challenge to you is to find a moment and a person to be grateful for every day for the next week. What happens if you tell the person you're grateful for them and even tell them and challenge them to pass along the gratitude?

I’ll start by taking my own challenge. I’m grateful for my husband, family and friends both near and far who have been immensely supportive and understanding while getting our company started. Many have offered a place to stay on the road, dinners, a friendly ear and hugs when they were seemingly needed the most.

Business colleagues, mentors and advisors have given me their time and shared some of the most difficult and yet invaluable conversations I’ve had since I embarked on this entrepreneurship train. And it’s finally summer in Atlantic Canada. For all this, I am grateful. Let’s see what tomorrow brings.

- What or who are you grateful for? 

- How do you feel when you express gratitude?

- What do you notice the more you seek out gratitude?

The myth of work-life balance - by Charlotte Murray

What does work-life balance mean for you? I am becoming more and more convinced that it is a magical, mythical ideal borne out of the ever-busy world. And, depending on your context, culture or life stage, it might have completely different meanings. According to Wikipedia, Work–life balance is a concept including proper prioritizing between "work" (career and ambition) and "lifestyle" (health, pleasure, leisure, family and spiritual development/meditation). It’s not a bad definition, but I don’t find it encompasses everything. 

Several years ago, working in the corporate world, I probably would have agreed more with this kind of definition. Likely feeling that doing well at work and in life is something I was expected to strive for as part of ‘having it all’. What this definition is missing for me, is professional and personal fulfillment, taking risks, managing stress, being happy and true to yourself, truly appreciating being able to connect with people. All of these things combined is where the magic really happens, and, you need to be present in the moment to appreciate that magic.

How does work-life balance fit into my un-corporate entrepreneurial life? It’s more like entrepreneur-life un-balance. Firstly, entrepreneurship does not necessarily promote a healthy lifestyle. The reality is that entrepreneurship is lots of late nights working, no weekends/days off, no or little income, no or basic health insurance, little/no time for friends and family. But, if all that doesn’t faze you, entrepreneurship is fulfilling, challenging, and rewarding, and you can choose to take a break in the middle of the day to do yoga or go for a run (I recommend it!).

While I admit that I sometimes think about those days of working for someone else, taking vacation and deciding where to go hiking on the weekend, I’ve never been happier building the business with my co-founder and husband, and launching our product with customers within just a short 8 months (!).

On Fulfillment:

I’ll never look back from replacing work-life balance with entrepreneur-life un-balance. Instead of working tirelessly to achieve the mythical state of balance that never seems quite right, I’m creating an awesome company, connecting and re-connecting with inspiring people, constantly learning, and enjoying every moment. In order for me to do this and to achieve my own definition of success and self-fulfillment, I need to take care of myself to stay energized – sleep well, eat well, and exercise. But for fulfillment to happen for me, these three things need to be combined.

What makes you feel fulfilled?

On Risk:

Looking back over the last 8 months since I launched into my latest entrepreneurial venture, the idea of uncertainty and risk was far different from what it is now. Before it was a concept more than anything else. Now it’s a daily occurrence. Instead of fearing it, I embrace it. Risk is always present, and jumping off the corporate train was definitely a risk. But a calculated one. Being in what some might consider a high risk environment forces me to be more resourceful and creative to overcome challenges; the fewer resources and the higher the risk, the more resourceful you become.

How can taking more calculated risks help you?

On Stress:

We all experience stress. Some people thrive on it, others implode. I can’t say whether there is a certain level of stress that is healthy or makes me effective, but what I can say is that throwing the work-life balance concept out the window actually reduces my stress levels because I’m no longer thinking about whether I’m balanced or not. Instead, I’m thinking about being effective and focused, being a good person and working on something that creates lasting value; it’s positive pressure.

What opportunities are there that can help you turn stress into focus and value?

On Happiness:

When I hear the word happy, all I can think of is Pharrell Williams. It might be cheesy and superficial, but that song actually does make me happy. I feel that taking the time to reflect regularly during my entrepreneurial adventures makes me more thankful and appreciative every day. Doing meaningful work with amazing and inspiring people does make me happy. To top it all, I get to work with my husband every day on the business and in life.

What makes you so genuinely happy that you would dance in public?

On Connecting:

Being able to connect with people is underrated. And I mean truly connect. You know those friends who you can call for the first time in years and start up again where you left off? For the first time in my life, my live(s) have connected in new ways. Being able to be both the facilitator of creating, and the recipient of meaningful connections with people near and far. Re-kindling childhood and university friendships and seeing these old friends interact with new colleagues, friends and family; connecting former colleagues with new ones around the globe to help them progress in their own ventures; being introduced to people and finding you have ideas and experiences in common and have a mutual interest in helping out. When there’s a genuine appreciation and connection on a human level, magic happens.

How can you create magic today?