A world apart......Where is home by Anne Welsh
First published on Linkedin in 2017
I am currently staying on the small Mediterranean island of Ibiza.
The last day of 2017; coming to the end of another year. Personally, it is also an end and the beginning of another year as it is my birthday. This is always an important time for me; I find a space offering tranquillity, quiet and inner reflection. It is also a particular time of year when I love to be in Ibiza as it allows and mirrors these qualities. Whilst the island is often known for its hedonism, summer sun and clubs it is also offers a different cultural perspective including beautiful sunsets, and changing colours and awe-inspiring light and peace. So, for me Ibiza at this time of year, links me to ‘A World Apart’. I see it is a place where past, present and future tracks are obvious.
On Ibiza, it appears that Christmas and the festive season is celebrated without the hype associated in many major world cities. The old Spanish tradition of walking out together as a family is still practiced and a very natural custom. Sitting on the promenade in the late afternoon sun I witness five generations, some sitting, some walking but very much an integrated family scene. The great grandparents sit on benches, often grasping their walking sticks, in conversation with their friends. In their best clothes their children, who are grandparents, looking to their parents as they meander by the sea. A generation below, the younger parents, pushing new prams with children running alongside. Also, teenagers strolling, a little less interested in the family scene often displaying bored looks on their faces. What I have the privilege of witnessing is a scene that has been manifesting for centuries.
The church bells strike intermittently and the seabirds cry their winsome calls. It reminds me so much of the natural passing of time. The brief opportunity we have to be alive and to live to 'the best we can be'.
When I am here in Ibiza it reminds me to choose to stay as much as possible in the here and now; live in the moment. The past has gone, the future may never happen but we do have this moment… the now.
It is very important that in moments of quiet I can come back to ‘Self’.
For those of you who have read the previous articles in ‘A World Apart’ you may remember I wrote that the ‘transformational journey’ is a journey back to your Self. I also considered what is Self. We all operate out of different parts of ourselves and in psychosynthesis, parts are referred to as subpersonalities. Over the festive season we need several parts or subpersonalities to assist us. Often, the part of us who is the ‘host’ or ‘the hostess’ or the ‘party person’ can manifest and take over. Because of the nature of the season, we can experience life becoming rushed and filled with ‘doing’. In this period, our ‘host’ part can be very useful but we can lose sight of the part that is thoughtful, reflective and meditative and we frequently don’t find time just to ‘be’.
Often too, we start our year with our ‘work self’ part very much in the foreground and our identifications are with what we need to do. If we are not careful, conscious, or self-aware we can come to believe this ‘work self’ is wholly who we are, that this part is all of us and our life.
When we become identified with just one part, just one aspect of our self, we may encounter feelings of frustration, a sense of loss or a feeling that something is missing, or that our life is empty. We then to try fill this void, numb this painful feeling. We use various methods in an attempt to fill the vacuum and not all are useful or beneficial. We can turn to others or start a journey of self-reflection but often we turn to drugs, alcohol or to addictive processes such as gambling, shopping, sex, eating…. anything to numb our pain. Yet the deep ache or sense of loneliness continues. We may find ourselves focusing on regrets from the past or anxieties about the future and we miss the beauty in the present moment, in the living of the here and now.
For some, these feelings become critical and offer a path to self-discovery; the start to questioning who they are, what is the value of their lives; existential questions relating to meaning, purpose and value. I see this process as crucial to the journey to self-awareness and think of it in terms of a ‘divine homesickness’.
What do I mean by this?... At birth, we incarnate into an individual part of Self or, as Wordsworth implies in his poem, we individuate ‘From God, who is our home’. (Ode on Intimations of Immortality from Recollections of Early Childhood’ 5th Stanza). This ‘divine homesickness’ is also referred to as the 'sacred wound'.
What is the divine homesickness? Where is home?
At the start of the transformational journey we are searching for meaning and purpose; for who we really are and what our life is about. We ask why am I here? Where am I going? Where have I been? How can I get there? Where ever the ‘there’ is. I have known this 'place' ……. How can I get back to where I felt free, at peace, in harmony, synchronised? People seem to look to go home. Often, people are looking in a literal sense and initially attempt for this homecoming to be a habitat such as their physical birth home or to the connection with a significant human being. They are searching for the existential connection to love – also described as the search for the beloved.
So, armed with mindsets and belief systems people begin their search by looking for the ‘beloved’ externally. The route to ‘home’ can be relational and for a while, it may appear that their journey is sated as they find romantic love, a great soothing salve and a source for mirroring and learning. However, the deeper invitation to find ‘home’ has so often been requested and the transformation journey continues toward the ‘beloved’ within. This process may be considered a true ‘homecoming’ and can be an arduous and demanding journey as culturally and traditionally we have been taught not to appreciate or love ourselves. In fact, we are often taught that self-love relates to egotistical love, arrogance, self-importance and selfishness.
However, the transformational journey is about self-awareness. Self-awareness can lead to deeper self-acceptance; this acceptance of self, warts, beauty and everything that relates to being human. Making the journey can further lead us to reflect on our lives and the amazing voyage we have all made which can lead us to a deeper sense of being and self-appreciation and thus a more profound appreciation of others.
When we work as coaches we spend many hours listening to people’s stories. It is within the energetic listening field that something profound and fulfilling can happen. Let’s not forget that both the coach and the coachee can be in the present moment; purely in the here and now, and through presence ‘love’ may enter.
One of the recognised coaching models was the creation of Sir John Whitmore, known as the GROW model it offers a simple method for problem solving and goal setting: G - The Goal (what is to be achieved) R - The Reality (current issues and challenges) O - The Obstacles and Options (Identify the obstacles and select the options that lead to the goal) and finally W - The Will or Way forward (The actions to achieve the goal).
Some years ago, I met up with an old friend from Scotland. He is a well-known coach and inspirational speaker. During our meeting, we discussed methods and ways of coaching and he included his thoughts on the GROW model. In his broad Scots accent, he told me he felt the model lacked an important letter and that he wanted the model changed to incorporate the letter L thus making the model GROWL. For him, a crucial construct to coaching is love and learning – thus the letter L for him holds a fundamental coaching concept. I agree, totally.
It is through the coaching relationship that we learn deeply about ourselves and through the introspective relationship to Self that an opportunity to learn self-love can occur. I am not pointing to egotistical or narcissistic love, but to recognising the ‘beloved’ within each of us. I refer again to the transformational journey to our Self and to recognise that we can embrace self-loving concept. When we have the courage to act from a place of self-love we begin to relate and experience others and the world more lovingly. It is from this place of integrity that, as coaches, we can truly support others to be ‘The best they can be’.
People are all amazing human beings. The sadness for me is that many do not experience themselves in this way. Most want to do their best for themselves and the organisations they are associated with; they want the opportunity to be creative and innovative in their lives and work but sometimes they need assistance to become more aware of their best selves. Maybe through the coaching relationship individuals can begin to trust in living their best.
Reflecting on the past and future tracks you may wish to think about the following:
What am I carrying from the past that is weighing me down; stopping me moving forwards to enjoy the here and now and be ready to fully live the future. I may be experiencing guilt, shame, anger or sadness and sense of loss.
Find a way to ritually name what you are experiencing, consciously. Then, consciously put them down. Holding onto these experiences is draining your precious energy reserves. Carrying all this weight does not serve anyone and especially you.
In the act of putting it down open for a moment to the ‘wonder of who you are now’.
Commit yourself to fully living your life ahead. The future tracks.
Let me leave you with a Poem
There is a love so great, so vast, a love which almost consumes me.
There was nobody there, no one there in the past.
So that love was all buried and buried so deep,
It took a long time to come out of its sleep.
But now I can feel it and feel it so strong that to hide it and block it could
only be wrong………. I just let it out, let it fly so high
To find I am free as that bird in the sky.
Free to see all the beautiful things that have always been there all around me
I was so busy trying to hide all the feelings I had so deep inside
Now I don’t care, I just let them out.
I feel I can scream, laugh and shout.
I can let silence hold my hand, silence more beautiful than any band.
Of silence, I felt so very scared.
If nobody spoke I thought nobody cared.
But Oh, I was wrong! As I have found out.
For the ones who care have no need to shout.
To connect with Anne Welsh
Anne Welsh MA, is the founding director of Synthesis in the City and brings a wealth of life experience to her leadership work. Anne is an APECS accredited executive coach and coach supervisor; a trainer; supervisor; mentor and group facilitator. Anne is also a UKCP accredited psychotherapist with over twenty-five years of experience working with adults individually and in groups.
Anne works globally with a diverse range of organisations in her capacity as a consultant, facilitator and leadership coach, including Glaxo Smith Kline and Investec.
