“You’re not listening to me!” –How to listen and hear what's being said by Epimetheus
I’ve been lucky enough to be invited to a series of training events for registered Civil Service coaches. This event was called ‘The Power of Listening’. It was an informative and practical workshop and it motivated me to summarise what I learned and how it relates to my experience of coaching in this blog. But before I dive into that, I’d like to share first how I see listening fits into the wider practice of coaching.
Listening in the wider practice of coaching
For me, effective listening is the foundation-stone of effective coaching.
Coaches need to listen carefully and actively to get a deep understanding of where their client is and what they want and need.
At the same time the coach must be thinking ‘how can I best serve this person in front of me, right now?’; the coach is always ‘present’ (I’ll talk about that a bit later).
And then, coming from those two actions, everything the coach says is directed to serving that person (not about saying what they think the person should do- there lies the one big difference between coaching and mentoring).
If I say that someone is listening, it implies that they are paying attention to the speaker. But we all know that is not necessarily the case.
We can listen ‘peripherally’, where, in a noisy place, someone says your name and you will pick that up immediately; it happens without any conscious intention.
Or I can be at home watching the news and my wife is talking about something important, and I’m nodding but not really paying attention (yes, guilty as charged m’lud). That is ‘apparent’ listening. I guess we all know what that looks and feels like!
There is the kind of listening we do in meetings or socially- I’ll call that ‘habitual’ listening.
Lastly, I can give the speaker my full and undivided attention. That is ‘active’ listening, it takes effort to do properly and a requisite for effective coaching.
‘Active’ Listening for effective coaching: Recognizing what can get in the way through to doing it well, consistently
Known benefits of active listening: The speaker feels valued. The trust developed helps them give more detail and thus understand their own situation to a greater degree. It materially helps the speaker to develop and clarify their thoughts.
What happens when listening is poor? The speaker feels unvalued, their energy is drained, and they may lose their train of thought, which can result in frustration and anger at not being listened to.
Which would you prefer?
From my experience, there are many factors that get in the way of active listening, some are external to the listener, some arise internally from within the listener, and some have sub-consciously developed through habits. Let’s hear what they could be with I share some of my tips to help overcome them.
External environment: Maintaining a calm and conducive coaching space;
The surroundings: Try to find a quiet space free from distractions and interruptions (although coaching in a café does work as long as it’s not too noisy).
Distractions: Turn off your phone.
Have a pen and paper ready for taking notes. Taking notes or not? It’s tricky. It must not break the rapport by giving your attention to the paper, rather than the speaker. A mind-map could be used, or brief headings.
Internal self-awareness: The boundary between habitual and active listening as the coach
Be in the right frame of mind. Take a little time to prepare before the meeting, go over progress notes to remind our self what happened in the last meeting.
Remind yourself that this is about your client. Distractive thoughts will come into your mind from time to time; that cannot be helped. Recognise their presence and then refocus on your client.
Habits from habitual listening that will cause active listening not to happen:
Waiting for my turn to talk, often called ‘rehearsing’. When someone else is talking and we want to make a point, we will ‘rehearse’ what we want to say in our mind. Concentrating on what we want to say stops us listening to what is being said.
Selective hearing: only picking up on those things that you agree with or which support your view.
Sharing and sympathising: The ‘oh, that happened to me as well!’ moment. Our focus then turns to our experience and not to theirs.
Giving advice. This is ‘telling’, which has no place in coaching. (Although sharing our own experience is a vital part of mentoring, as long as it is shared and not given as something the client must do.)
Listening and asking for more; this is better, but it’s still at the level of facts, with maybe some of their feelings included.
Having removed or become aware of barriers to active listening, what have we now got to do to make it happen? It’s realizing that, active listening is not just about using our ears. It’s a synthesis of what we hear and what we see, and our attitude towards our client.
6 Essential elements in active listening
Drawing from both my experiences and workshops, I’ve identified what these essential elements are, and they include:
Being fully ‘present’. That means that you are there only for your client, you are giving them your full attention and concentration (that takes effort and is quite tiring).
Bring your curiosity and interest, seeking to understand your client’s situation. You can paraphrase their words to check that your understanding is correct. You can also repeat their words back to them if you feel that they are significant to the speaker. This allows them to hear themselves and maybe get an insight into how they are feeling if that insight is lacking.
Listen for the following: Facts, feelings, use of metaphors, and any assumptions the speaker makes. Now this is really hard, but practice will improve it. Each of these can trigger further questions, to clarify or explore. For example, the use of a metaphor may hint at the emotion underlying the thing that is being described. Assumptions can be explored because there may be no real foundation to it, leading to what may be a limiting belief. Asking the speaker to reflect on any of these can lead to insight for the speaker.
Listen to the tone and pace of the speaker’s voice. This indicates how they are feeling about what they are saying.
Listen to the ‘spaces in between the words’. These can be the gaps and pauses, where the speaker is searching for words to describe their situation. Listen carefully, do not fill the silence but allow the speaker space to articulate their thoughts and feelings. Then ask an open question to explore those thoughts.
Be aware of the mutual body language: maintain good eye contact (not too much or too little), note how your body posture mirrors theirs to an extent. This also gives an indication of the underlying emotions.
As you can see, there is a lot to active listening. Many things to avoid, to be aware of, to do. This can be learned with practice, as I continue to do. Simply start with just being there for the speaker. Metaphorically open your eyes, switch your ears on and zip up your mouth and let your curiosity loose. Bring in the other elements later. Ask for feedback so that you can raise your own awareness. And keep practicing some ‘active’ listening every day.
‘Epimetheus’ has had a varied career in teaching and the UK Civil Service, as a technical specialist and as a manager. He also spent 10 years as a volunteer mentor with undergraduate students.
He discovered coaching late in his career and has brought coaching practice into his management, and has been asked to establish a coaching culture into his small part of the UK Civil Service, the first step
of which means establishing an internal coach/mentor programme. He is bringing his experience as a teacher, a technician, a mentor and a manager to bear to inform and improve his coaching practice. He is
working towards formal accreditation as a coach.
