Stories that Need to be Told: Useful coaching skills for any unprepared professional by Lisa M. Evans and Martin Richards (Guests)
What is this?
This is the first of a series of blogs where Martin Richards (a Certified Coach) has been interviewing Lisa M Evans, Ed.D. (an Experienced Educator) about situations from her experience, working as a teacher and administrator, and focusing on which coaching skills that would have benefited her in those situations.
Why are we writing this?
We could all say, about our working lives, “If only we had known then what we know now, it would have been so much easier”.
What we aim to do is to discover exactly which coaching skills would have been most useful, and why.
Let’s begin by introducing ourselves, first
Hi, I’m Lisa Evans, (Canada)
I became interested in teaching when my then 18-month old daughter began to learn things in earnest. I just couldn’t believe what I was witnessing and wanted to know more about how children learn and what teachers can do to nurture the inherent capacities and excitement about learning that I observed in my own daughter. Thus began my journey into the field of public education.
Thirty-two years later, I now understand that education is not just about teaching and learning; it is much more complicated than that. It’s about a multitude of relationships that require an educator to draw upon a whole different skill set than is typically taught in teacher and administrator preparation programs.
In 2015, I was introduced to the world of coaching through a course on Mentor-Coaching facilitated by the Ontario Principals Council in Canada. As I was learning about the key aspects of effective coaching, I had an epiphany:
Education could be transformed if all educators
became aware of and versed in coaching skills.
That’s a pretty bold statement, but my reasoning was that the more we know ourselves, our own motivations, desires, values, assumptions, limiting beliefs, etc., the better we are able to care for ourselves and bring our true best selves forward to those we serve no matter what role we play within the profession. The system needs our unique brilliance and the coaching process uncovers and reveals that brilliance in an almost magical way.
When I met Martin, I expressed that I wish I had known about coaching when I was actively working in the field of education. This knowledge and expertise would have made a world of difference for me and those with whom I worked.
And thus this collaboration! There are numerous stories I could tell - anyone working in the field of education knows that it is filled with many characters, dramatic moments, crises, love, heartbreak, and endless paperwork!
But in the end, all my stories come down to the relationship I had with myself and how I just might have navigated my interactions differently if I had a coaching mindset to guide me.
I am now retired from education focusing now on other areas of my life including coaching. And yet, I still feel a strong desire to support and share with my colleagues in the field of education. I guess “once a teacher always a teacher” rings true for me!
It is my hope that I can express my vision for how coaching can really be a huge support in transforming the field of education and support all educators in this very challenging field. I am grateful to Martin for helping me find my voice.
Hi, I’m Martin Richards (Sweden)
I am an experienced teacher of Mathematics and a certified professional Co-Active coach. I write books about coaching in an educational context, I mentor coaches and I coach educators.
When I first met with Lisa, in a Zoom call in connection with offering coaching for educators, she spoke slowly and from her heart about her working experience as a teacher, head teacher and school administrator. I heard in her voice a blend of hope and weariness. From her brief introduction, I could tell that she carried a wealth of experience from the world of education. And I wanted to know more.
So I asked permission to interview her for this series of blog posts and potentially a book of stories about Lisa and her insights about the interface and interactions between education and coaching.
There was one thing that Lisa asked for in our collaboration - spaciousness. After a lifetime of being under pressure, Lisa needed time to unfold the wrappings from around her experience of being a teacher, headteacher, principal; and to answer the question “What coaching skills do you wish you had known then?”
Our plan was to meet online from time to time to review what she had written and see what was next. Very loose and free. My main contribution to Lisa’s process has been to write a series of interview questions that are designed to support her exploration of what happened, and what could have happened.
Our approach to sharing
Once we had connected and decided to explore Lisa’s stories we needed to find the best way for her to proceed so she felt comfortable about sharing her stories and writing at a pace that suited her. Although I was not coaching Lisa, nor mentoring her, we made good use of our coaching skills and coaching mindset.
What made our collaboration easier was our training in coaching. It was easy to design the alliance, and decide on a series of open-ended questions to frame the conversation.
I let Lisa take the lead on timing. There was to be no pressure. We would simply meet to discuss what had been written. We would give and receive feedback, and discuss that too.
I was championing Lisa. I was way more excited about writing than she was. I could see clearly what could come from this collaboration. My approach was “Lisa, you have something to say, you don’t know how to say it, yet.” I held that Lisa (and everyone else) was naturally creative, resourceful and whole. No matter what came from this collaboration, be it blogs or books, it was all good.
SITUATION ONE: Useful coaching skills for an unprepared professional
The Challenge
Coach: What would you like to talk about?
Lisa: I’ve been thinking a lot about this question. I think what I’d like to talk about is how unprepared I was throughout my career for the judgments and criticisms that came my way when I was a teacher.
I have encountered the most supportive parents ever - those who would do anything for me, collaborated with me on behalf of their child and the class, and spoke positively about me in the community.
And I have worked with my fair share of the opposite - those parents who opposed my teaching methods, disagreed with my interactions with their children, refused to cooperate with my program and spoke ill of me in the community.
Whereas I was fully prepared for the praise (Aren’t I great?), I was ill-prepared emotionally and professionally to deal with the criticism. To be honest, any criticism hurt very deeply and I took it very personally - every time.
The Situation
Coach : What happened?
Lisa: One incident that I remember from my teaching days occurred when I had contact with a family who was very different than myself and I could not understand them. And I couldn’t even imagine living as they did. They were bikers - Harley-Davidson people and had two Rottweiler’s protecting their property. They wore leather and spoke harshly and crudely as a rule. However, they were loving parents to their children.
Me? A white, middle-class suburban woman who had little experience beyond my own world. I formed just as many judgements about these people as they were to develop opinions about me.
Our relationship started out very tenuously and didn’t really improve over time. The child’s step-mother was extremely impatient with me and over time, I returned the favour. Perhaps not one of my better moments with parents.
So here’s what happened...I was teaching Grade 1 and our primary focus that year was to teach the children how to read. We had a great program that included sending home little books for children to read to their parents every few nights. I had a system by which the parents would send back feedback after their child had read to let me know how it went. Total parent time needed? 5 minutes at the most.
The little boy of this family wasn’t returning his books so I asked him if he was reading at home. And he said no. So I decided that I would help out by having him read to me at some point in the day so he could get that extra practice that he needed as I did with any child who needed extra support. Sometimes I kept him in at recess for a couple of minutes to do his reading. I still sent the books home, but I assumed that the reading wasn’t going to get done so HAD intervened so he could get the extra practice that I knew was critical to developing readers.
In my mind, I was being a very conscientious teacher. I was being helpful. I was giving the child extra time so he could gain skills and confidence. Wasn’t I great?
Apparently, not. I received a visit from my principal who said the child’s parents called and complained and said I was “punishing” the boy for not doing his homework and “retaliating” against the step-mother by being mean to the little boy. They requested a meeting to vent their anger and basically get me to stop punishing their kid.
Wow. Really?
Reacting with multiple identities
Coach : How did you feel when that happened?
Lisa: What didn’t I feel? I can clearly remember the feelings of incredulity, righteous indignation, anger, fury (I know - it’s anger on steroids), defensiveness, and fear. Yes, fear. I really didn’t know how I would react when I saw them. Okay - if it came down to a physical fight, they’d win. Actually, if the mom and I decided to have a wrestling match, she’d have me pinned in a skinny minute. She was beautiful, fierce, strong, and very capable physically. Me? Small town teacher sometimes trending towards dowdiness and slightly overweight depending on the year. And it was the mid-1990’s so I often chose the then-in-style fashion of overly large dresses that looked quite Amish in nature. No leather trousers for me!
Coach: What went through your mind when that happened?
Lisa: To get at this question, I think it’s helpful to look at the feelings. These weren’t small, fleeting feelings. These were gut-wrenching, fight-flight-freeze feelings.
First - incredulity. Stunned is what comes to mind. I really couldn’t believe this is where we had come to after all our various disagreements and interactions. This is what they’re angry at? Me helping their kid? You’ve got to be kidding!
Then it quickly became righteous indignation. What? I’m doing my job! And not only am I doing my job, but I’m also doing a great job! I am differentiating for this child! I’m providing extra support! I’m helping him to reach his capacity as a strong reader! If I didn’t do this, I’d be negligent! How dare you question my decision in the matter. I’m the professional here!
After this delightful dose of righteous indignation, I became angry. Why didn’t they come to me? Why did they need to take this to the principal? Was it all my fault that we had a communication problem?
And when I realized that they thought that I was purposefully punishing their child because the parents and I had a communication problem, I thought I was going to explode. How could they think such a thing? How dare they ascribe such a horrible motivation to me that simply did not exist. I was so angry, I couldn’t even breathe.
And as the meeting got closer, I became fearful. I was confident in my decision to provide the child with extra support, but I started questioning my decision. What if they got violent? It’s possible. What if I said something I’d regret? It’s possible. What if they’re right? If they were, those feelings were on an unconscious level. I have so many different kinds of parents with a vast array of parenting styles. Never have I thought the children were in any way responsible for the choices of their parents. I like kids and loved being a teacher. Why would I do that?
Coach: What was the most challenging about that?
Lisa: I think the most challenging thing about this was not trusting myself to be calm and to rely upon my expertise. The whole event had taken a very personal turn and I was definitely on the defensive. The thought of this meeting consumed my thoughts and I couldn’t even imagine what was going to happen.
Coach: What do you think was going on below the surface for you / for them?
Lisa: Well, I have no idea what was going on in their minds - either on the surface or below the surface! I had several theories such as I reminded the mom of some authoritarian figure in her childhood - mother, teacher, etc., and she was projecting a whole lot of her angry feelings for them on me. I also imagined that this family had thoroughly rejected a “normal” (not sure of the word I want here) life and had chosen something completely on the fringe of how other people lived. “School” was “the man” in spades. Rules, responsibilities, norms, etc. were just not part of the lifestyle they wanted. And here I was - Kindergarten/Grade 1 Teacher who represented everything they loathed. Sheesh, how dare I.
What was going on below the surface for me? I think there might have been a level of jealousy and envy for the mom. She was awesome in a way I imagined I’d never been. She was a locksmith, biker, leather-wearing, Rottweiler-owning bad-ass. We were about the same age - in our 30s - but she seemed timeless - like a superhero but on the evil side. How could a mom of two young children be so fierce? And she was. Momma Tiger embodied. And that Momma Tiger loathed me.
The encounter
Coach: How did that event proceed?
Lisa: Luckily I had an amazing principal who counselled me before the meeting and advised me to follow her lead and to just breathe. My principal led the discussion and it proceeded just how I expected - with the step-mom sharing how terrible I was to punish their kid and that I was mean, vindictive, and a horrible teacher. At one point I stood up and got a drink of water (actually it was to walk away from the tirade and breathe) and my principal thought I was walking out of the meeting. I didn’t - I just couldn’t sit there and listen to this ranting.
I presented my side - I explained the reading program, the importance of the extra reading practice at home, and my main desire to support their child in developing into a strong reader which he was very capable of becoming.
Seemed like we went round and round until the child’s father turned to his partner as said, “Well, you know our homelife if a bit chaotic.” It was at this point when she turned to him and said, “I knew you would take her side of this!” And she got up and stomped out of the meeting.
The dad and I finished the meeting coming to an agreement that I would tutor the boy for 10 minutes after school every day and support his reading and any other homework.
The dad and I checked in often and I really never interacted with the step-mother for the remainder of the year.
The child became a very strong reader.
Reflecting on the encounter
Coach: What do you wish you had known then that you know now?
Lisa: I wish that I had known that someone else’s anger was more about them and less about me. This insight would have allowed some space for kindness and compassion.
I wish I had known that meeting angry parents are just part of being a teacher because people are fierce about their kids. I know I am, so why wouldn’t my parents also be fierce?
I wish I had some skills to help me negotiate confrontation. Such good skills to have! If I felt as confident in dealing with discord as I felt teaching a child how to read, my career would have gone much more smoothly. And I mean that from an internal perspective, not an outwardly perspective. My inner turmoil was much more pronounced than my career track - which on paper was pretty good!
I wish I knew the importance of reflecting upon things that happen and being open to an internal inquiry. It just wasn’t a thing I knew about. I regularly reflected on my pedagogy and practice, but not my internal landscape. I might have actually been frightened of internal exploration. What did that matter as long as the kids learned? Well, it would have made a world of difference for me.
I wish I had known about David Emerald’s “The Power of TED”. His description of the Victim-Persecutor-Rescuer dynamic and its antidote would have been an amazing tool to know as a teacher for many reasons. Awareness of this dynamic and how to extricate from it would have provided me with an amazing tool for dealing with the many different relationships as an educator.
Knowing what I know now
Coach: Which coaching skills would you have benefited from?
Lisa: Any number of coaching skills would have been helpful in this situation.
First, I could have benefitted from knowing about my inner critic (saboteurs, gremlins, etc.) and how that voice is designed to keep me safe but does so in a way that makes me small. The more it whispered that I was wrong and that this other person was more worthy, I began to lose my confidence. I began to forget about my expertise and my pedagogical reasons for doing what I do for every child.
I also could have benefitted from taking on multiple perspectives. If I had known about that I could have tried on various perspectives once the complaint was filed. How would the boy feel? What’s the mom’s perspective? What’s the dad’s perspective? What’s the Rottweiler’s perspective? I could have done a deep inquiry into my reaction - whoa - what’s here?
It would also have been beneficial to have looked at the event from a “helicopter” view. What will this look like in a month? A year? Ten years? This meta-view would have helped me gain perspective about the incident.
Another thing I think would have really helped would have been to explore what I really valued - connection with parents and high rigorous standards for children - and somehow combined them into a value that represented both. Author / Coach Ann Betz has a great activity called “Valugration” which takes two apparently conflicting values and combines them into a new word. So I valued connection with parents and standards for kids. So perhaps the value would be “Connecards”. Then I imagine embodying both simultaneously. What does it look like? What does it feel like? How am I when I’m making connections with parents AND holding their kids to high standards? How do I feel? What words do I say? This process would have been really helpful. When I was in the defensive mode, I couldn’t see any possibilities beyond saving myself from criticism.
Visioning myself during the meeting would also have been very helpful. How would I like to “BE” during this meeting? What would I like to “DO” during this meeting? Clearly identifying these would have allowed me to prepare in a whole new way instead of just imagining the worst.
And upon reflection, I wish I was consciously aware of the skill of acknowledgement. Knowing how important it was to affirm this woman’s feelings I could have at least said, “You care very deeply for your child.” That small acknowledgement could have changed our dynamic in an instant. That moment of connection - mom to mom - not teacher to parent. Powerful stuff, acknowledgement.
Coach: What might have been different if you had used what you know now?
Lisa: Now, I’m just hypothesizing here...but I can imagine that I would have navigated my deep emotional reaction more smoothly. I most likely would still have the same initial response, but once the emotion passed a bit, I could get really curious about what was going on within me.
What are my gremlins saying about this event?
What are my feelings?
What thoughts are coming up?
What beliefs, interpretations, and assumptions am I making?
Who do I want to be in this situation?
What’s the opportunity for growth?
Being able to pause and start generating these powerful questions would have provided me with a wonderful opportunity to learn more about myself at the moment (rather than several years later!) I would like to think that this type of self-inquiry would have helped me to be a calmer, more compassionate teacher. And most importantly, I believe I would have felt better about myself as the drama was unfolding. I could choose how I wanted to engage with a greater level of awareness and purpose.
Coach: What is the one key insight you are taking away after reflecting on this situation?
Lisa: The most important insight I take away from reflecting upon this scenario is how important it is to engage in self-inquiry into our own thoughts and feelings. I went through a large part of my career not really examining my thoughts whenever a triggering event occurred. I rarely questioned what was at the root of unpleasant feelings that would arise in various situations beyond assigning blame to “that person” or “that new mandate”. I assumed that if I had a certain thought or reaction it must be right.
My life experience, coach’s training, and meditation practice have led me to another conclusion:
Difficult moments are really gold engraved invitations
to learn more about ourselves.
They invite us to dig deeper into our own thought processes with courage and humility. And the result will be a bit more clarity about what we value and who we really are. This is what I wished I’d known thirty years ago when I began my journey into education. What a difference this insight would have made.
Coach Martin’s Reflections
I find it quite amazing, considering that Lisa and I have only met on Zoom a handful of times, that we have managed to create and maintain a relationship of mutual deep trust and openness.
How was this achieved, I wonder?
From the outset, both Lisa and I are curious about people, what makes them tick, and what stops them from ticking.
We are both educators. I think only teachers know what teachers go through, and why they allow themselves to go through it. We found some common ground there.
In addition to that, we are both coaches. We know how to listen and ask questions that bring out deeper truths.
Together, we created a ‘bubble’ where, through patience, trust and curiosity, we could explore what was wanting to happen in Lisa’s life; and in mine.
The role-switch, from me, writing about Lisa, to Lisa writing about herself came easily. The moment Lisa asked for the support she needed, I engaged the coaching skills of ‘deep listening’ and ‘holding space’. The results are what you have read in this blog. I am honoured to have been a part of this work.
In the next blog
In the next blog, we share another of Lisa’s situations and her reflections on how coaching and a coaching mindset changes everything.
Connect with Lisa Evans via Linkedin and Martin Richards via Linkedin
Lisa Evans, Ed.D. is a retired teacher and administrator with over 26 years of experience in the K-12 public school systems in California and Nevada in the United States and in Ontario, Canada. Lisa received her coach's training from the Coaches Training Institute (CTI) and thoroughly enjoys supporting others to rediscover their unique gifts that can then be shared with others. Her days are full spending time with her family including her 7-year old daughter, volunteer activities, learning piano, cooking, and writing.
An author and inspirational speaker in secondary schools, Martin Richards, is an experienced educator and facilitator who began teaching Mathematics over 30 years ago where he applied a 'coach approach' to teaching. He is currently a coach and mentor for teachers, course leaders and coaches in Scandinavia and is passionate about connecting teacher’s purpose with the greater Educational Aims.
