What’s going on inside my head when I am coaching a client? By Epimetheus
The theory of coaching
As I write, in the summer of 2020, there is a very large body of writing about coaching. There are
Books with practical tools for coaches to use[1],
Books on the theoretical perspectives[2],
Broad overviews of coaching and coaching programmes[3],
On the application of neuroscience to coaching[4], and
On coaching inside organisations and its challenges[5].
And this is barely scratching the surface.
But what I have not come across in the written literature, is anything that examines the practical details of what a coach actually does during a coaching session.
And by that I mean, what is going on inside the coach’s head?
I remember one CPD event I attended, given by Civil Service Learning (that’s the UK Civil Service) called ‘The Power of Listening’. At the event they provided a list of things to listen for, from straightforward facts, through to feelings, the metaphors used and listening for the assumptions the speaker might be making. Having an observable/sensing list helps the coach/manager become aware of when they maybe unconsciously applying it. However, doing all of this requires a lot of effort and much practice to apply this skill successfully and consistently, but it can be learned. Mastering that means mastering the many things that happen simultaneously inside a coach’s head during a coaching session.
The practice of coaching
Now of course, I cannot speak for anyone but me on this subject. What happens in another coach’s head may well be entirely different. After all, they will have different theoretical approach, different quality and quantity of experience, certainly different clients with different needs and aims. So, what I offer here is my personal experience, which other coaches may find interesting.
Being present and prepared, starting a coaching session/Happens during a coaching session?
I find it essential to get into the right frame of mind before the session begins.
Since I coach using a ‘solution-focussed’ and ‘person-centred’ approach I remind myself that I am there for my client and that they hold the key to resolve the issues they bring to the relationship.
And I review our notes of previous sessions to remind myself of what they want and where we left off. It’s essential to have time for this, to distance myself from my previous tasks. Usually 15 minutes, in a quiet place (it could be the place we are going to use for the meeting).
When my client arrives, there will be some small talk to start, and my client usually asks me how I am. I do answer that (the coaching session is a conversation and all good conversations start with pleasantries), and I can respond in a similar manner which then leads naturally into asking about what has happened for them since our last meeting.
That brings my attention firmly onto my client and signals the start of the real coaching conversation. But how long it takes to ‘get to the point’ varies from client to client. Some are eager to start and almost hijack the conversation. I can feel their urgency and energy and can respond in kind. Those are the easy coaching sessions. Others are more reluctant and dally over the pleasantries, happy to chat about what’s been happening since we last met but never getting down to their own agenda.
I usually set my clients some ‘homework’ at the end of a session, which is usually a request for some summary notes which I can add to my end-of-session written summary which we share to provide us with our ‘aide memoire’. I can refer to that and change the subject to get us back on track. I can remind them of their agenda and that gets us into coaching mode, not just ‘friendly chat’ mode. On rare occasions something has happened that prevents us from getting back to the point.
I coach in a work environment, during office hours. Sometime stuff happens that takes my client’s mind completely away from their aims. My gut reaction has been to go with the flow in these situations and let them talk that issue through, as it, in that moment, very important for them. I remember that I am there to serve them. The best gift I can give them is my complete presence[6]. Talking that immediate issue through with me actively listening, allows them to process what can be some raw emotions. And that’s all part of our work-oriented coaching relationship. But note, if it was something not related to work I would have to stop the conversation, as that would be outside out agreed contract, although that has never happened to me (yet).
Coaching is like a conversation/Coaching as a conversation?
Now we can start. Asking the polite question opens the door for my client to talk about things that have happened. The ritual at the start of our session reminds me of a lovely little book by Judy Apps called ‘The Art of Conversation’. Judy proposes that good conversations accord with four key ideas and can have up to five levels, each level getting more profound. Let me share those that resonate most with me during as we begin exploring what’s been happening for them.
The first key idea is that there must be a strong element of connection between the two people, both looking for things that are of mutual interest.
The second key idea is that the conversation must be between equals; regardless of their relative hierarchical positions.
The first level is ‘things’; anything that is not personal to the speakers (the classic, ‘nice weather...’ opening).
The conversation can then move to the second level, ‘Actions’; what have they been doing at work/on holiday/at home. The conversation is still safely in the realm of facts.
The third level starts to explore what the pair are thinking (‘head’ talk), which is about what they know and their opinions. It’s a chance for each to hear themself speak and can offer an opportunity for them to reflect.
The fourth level goes even deeper; ‘Heart’ talk. This is about how they feel about a subject, and offers the chance for the them to disagree and so explore an issue from a different perspective. This can build the relationship between them and create trust. But there are dangers; disagreement can be taken as criticism, which can undo destroy the budding relationship, so some care needs to be exercised here, ensuring that it is the thing that is being disagreed with and not the person. It’s here that the third key idea comes into play; ‘be real’. This means that the speaker is talking from their heart, speaking the truth as they see it, opening themselves up to potential criticism perhaps, in the search for a deeper relationship.
The fifth, deepest, level is ‘Soul’ talk; what is that person really about? What is their purpose and what are their values? And the fourth and key idea is essential for this to happen; Trust the moment. Pause, relax and open yourself up to the chance that something will emerge, and trust that that will happen.
A conversation need not necessarily follow the linear path I have described above. A speaker, by listening and watching carefully, can ‘dance among the levels’, lightening the mood if it’s getting a bit too deep too soon to exploring a bit more when the chance arises. This can be used to take the edge off any disagreement, and integral to the rapport and trust building of what’s to come in the session.
Now that, I think, can serve as a model for coaching too, with the added and vital element that my conversations with my clients are conversations with a purpose. I make this clear to them that I am there to serve them, but that they have given me an agenda to follow and I will follow that agenda for their sake.
What is going on inside my coach’s head when I coach?
Which brings me to what is going on in my mind when I am coaching. Lots of things! All of which need to be brought into play, including:
Being fully ‘present’.
Listening for facts and hearing what they are.
Listening and watching for the emotion behind those facts
Listening for meaning.
Awareness of coaching models and application of them naturally into the structure of the session.
That’s five things to bear in mind in the midst of a dynamic conversation. Let me share my insights-to-date of what these are ‘in the moment’ as I’m coaching/ I’ll look at ‘presence’ first.
Mindfulness and ‘presence’.
For me, the practice of ‘mindfulness’ as expounded by my Alexander Technique teacher, Peter Nobes, is very important. Peter escribes it in the introduction to his book[7], as “living in the here-and-now”. I have learned, and am still learning, to master my thoughts and open my awareness up to the enormous sensory input that we are constantly surrounded by.
In a coaching context, that means using my hearing and my sight to receive what my client is saying, with their conscious words and their unconscious body language (I have coached by phone, which works but is less satisfactory). And what this means is that, when a stray thought enters my mind, or my attention wanders, as it inevitably will, then I notice that, let the thought pass and, consciously and deliberately, bring my attention back to my client.
A short comment on wandering attention; there is a collection of areas in the brain called the ‘default mode network’. This network appears to be active when we have thoughts that are independent from our immediate environment[8], and the example given is when our mind is wandering. One theory[9] is that this is the brain’s baseline of processing and information maintenance, which may ‘help us to consolidate our experiences and prepare to effectively react’. Now, if this is so, our wandering attention may well be a sign that we are processing the data we are gathering by listening and watching. So not a bad thing, but maybe not quite the right time to do so!
Listening for facts and hearing what they are.
Exactly that. Listening with the clear intent to hear what is being said and noting all the things and actions that are being described. One of my favourite questions is about digging into an experience or event that my client has mentioned and asking for more details.
What did the event look like?
How many people?
The setting?
What was the purpose of the event?
What was said, in words and tone?
I’m aiming to create a short film in my mind that is as close to my client’s lived experience as possible, so that I can understand their emotional response to that event (be it positive or negative) and stand in their shoes.
Listening and watching for the emotion behind those facts.
This is so closely aligned to listening for facts that sometimes it’s hard to disentangle them. But understanding the emotions created by an event helps me to get inside my client’s head so that I can understand the world from their perspective. But be careful here! It’s easy to ‘buy into’ their experience and lose objectivity. I can only be of value to my client if I maintain my objective point of view as an observer of their situation, balancing the need for objectivity with the need to understand my client’s perspective. That’s another thing to bear in mind!
Listening for meaning
The way my client uses words to describe their situation gives clues to the ideas they are trying to express.
They will probably use metaphors to convey ideas. Are these positive or negative? What sense do they convey? Picking up on these quickly and exploring the metaphor may lead to my client gaining a new insight. It could also be that the overall pattern of description will give me clues to my client’s mind-set; by which I mean my understanding of their perception of the world and what that means for their behaviour[10]. But these clues will then need to be synthesised into a pattern to give the coach a wider understanding of what the client is talking about.
My client may also include unexpressed assumptions about themselves, or they expressed very quickly and rapidly passed over. Again, some synthesis of the data to produce a wider pattern is needed. I have heard this synthesis described as ‘listening to the gaps between the words’.
So, I’m listening to gather data AND also trying to identify a bigger picture of my client’s perspective on the world and on their place within it. I usually need time to do this whilst staying mindful and present with my client, and achieve this by being silent and engaged, reflecting and curious, and examining different questions- which one is the most non-directive - and the most likely to get the client reflecting deeply.
Another way of saying this is how Judy Apps says that ‘deep listening’ requires a soft focus, not on the detail but aiming to perceive the bigger picture behind the words. We should avoid wanting to make sense too quickly and suspend our judgement and allow the other person the space to elaborate on their ideas and give our curiosity a free rein. This means we, as coaches, need to be able to hold these paradoxes in a healthy tension.
Awareness of coaching models, and application of them, to naturally fit into the structure of the session.
Acquiring models is part of the coach’s toolbox. Understanding the strength and limitations of each model will make me more aware of how I think a model is useful and seeing how I can apply that idea to help me frame questions that are open yet aimed at getting my client to understand themselves more. I find that my curiosity about them and my desire to help tend naturally to make me explore their situation so that I understand it in greater and greater depth. Over time, as my practice improves, this will probably decline (as I progress towards ‘unconscious competence’), but never to nothing as I’ll still need to be learning and staying fresh.
How does all that fit together?
You are probably doing most of this list of things already. Yet my purpose for writing this blog is to identify them and lay them out and make them easier to see for myself, and other coaches who are as curious about their practice as I am. Once we can see them then we can identify whether we are using them or nor, and to what extent. Then we can make a conscious decision as to whether to use them or not. So that our coaching practice becomes fuller and more informed, yet still a natural conversation-with-a-purpose, that is there to help our clients identify and resolves their issues and make steady progress towards achieving their goals.
I did not start my coaching with these things in mind. I started by accident (see my original blog for that story), discovered the GROW model and used that to guide the conversation. As I gained experience and read around the subject, then attended formal coaching CPD sessions, my theoretical knowledge grew until I could reflect on what I did in more detail. This blog is the result of my current insights.
Connect with Epimetheus and read his other posts published on the good coach.
Footnotes
[1] 50 Top Tools for Coaching (4th edn) by Gillian Jones and Ro Gorell, Kogan Page 2018
[2] The Compete Handbook of Coaching (3rd edn) Edited by Cox, Bachirova and Clutterbuck, Sage 2018,
[3] Coaching and Mentoring (3rd edn) by Parsloe and Leedham, Editor: Newell, Kogan Page2017
[4] Neuroscience for Coaches (2nd edn), Amy Brann, Koga Page 2017
[5] Internal Coaching by Katarine st-John-Brooks, Routledge, 2018
[6] That insight was cemented, for me, by a WBECS seminar given by Dr. Marcia Reynolds from their online caching conference in 2020.
[7] ‘Mindfulness in 3D-Alexander Technique for the 21st Century’
[8] see pages 114 and 160-161 in ‘Neuroscience for Coaches’
[9] Still current when the 2nd edition of ‘Neuroscience for Coaches’ was published in 2017
[10] The feedback loop between our thoughts and our behaviour, taking effect through physical changes to our brain, is a fascinating area of study. Try this video for a good introduction: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mDoSoxZuz-U&feature=youtu.be. I found this as part of an online course, ‘Neuroscience for Coaches’ offered by the ‘Synaptic Potential’ organisation; info@synapticpotential.com
