Reflections on Endings in Coaching: Navigating Closure and Continuity by Andrew Parrock
Figure 1: https://www.publicdomainpictures.net/pictures/620000/nahled/compassion-and-relationships-1719788533rNl.jpg
Introduction
I must say from the outset that my coaching experience has been almost entirely from within the UK Civil Service, so my ideas and conclusions must be understood in that context. Coaches in other organisations, whether internal or external have, I understand, a sponsor for their client, with whom the client will agree an objective for their coaching. This objective will set the context in which the ending of the coaching relationship can be assessed to be successful, or not, or somewhere in between.
Internal Civil Service coaching programmes, which I have taken a part in, ranged from across the entire organisation down to a programme for one directorate of a specific department. In all of these, the aim was never explicit but implied: to develop the people with a view to unlocking and/or realising their potential, to allow them to grow.
With this aim at the back of my mind, my implicit understanding was that the Civil Service was acting as a ‘sponsor’ for the coaching programme itself, not for individual clients. These would self-refer given sufficient publicity about the existence of the coaching programme. It was the programme’s organiser’s responsibility to publicise the programme and thus to attract clients. The organisation gave ‘permission’ for its internal coaches to coach and allowed them to spend some of their time doing so. This task was always in addition to their ‘day job’, a task the coach volunteered to do, for one reason or another, or in very rare cases (mine) was asked specifically to set up and run a coaching programme.
I think it follows that a coaching relationship, in this context, would reach a natural end once a client felt they had developed to the extent that they felt they could develop at some point in the coaching relationship.
This sits very comfortably within my belief that a client’s capabilities are not limited, but can continue to grow, not necessarily in a linear way. So a client’s potential is a thing that can change and grow over time, as the client realises what they can do and what they could be capable of doing in the future.
How do coaching and mentoring relationships end?
The subject of how coaching and mentoring (CAM) relationships end cropped up during a recent group supervision session, and proved to be, to the surprise of all of us, a remarkably productive discussion. We reflected that a lot is said about how CAM relationships start; including contracting, the first session, establishing trust and building rapport. But we had never come across very much about how they might end, beyond a vague idea around the contract being fulfilled.
My experience has varied considerably. I started formal coaching in 2008, and so far, up to and beyond my retirement from the Civil Service, I have had 48 clients. Of these, there have been THREE types of ending:
ended abruptly with no warning and no further communication: 3
came to an end by mutual agreement: 30
finished at the end of a predetermined programme: 14
ongoing, but for much longer than usual: 1
I’m not going to examine 3, since such relationships belong to commercial coaching relationships sponsored by an employer, of which I have no experience whatsoever.
I’lllook briefly at 1 and 2, then in more depth at 4 in this blog and reflect on what these mean to me as a coach and mentor.
1. Ends Abruptly- a ‘bad’ ending:
There was a possible external reason here, as two of these ended immediately after I retired from the UK Civil Service. Despite agreements to continue after my retirement, and setting up on-line meetings to continue, I heard nothing more from these clients. The remaining one said that they had achieved their initial goal, wanted more, but never got back in touch.
This all felt a bit discourteous, to say the least, but there may have been reasons that prevented them from getting back in touch. Whatever the reason, I will never know.
2. Ends by mutual agreement- a ‘good’ ending:
This kind of ending feels like the best way to end a CAM relationship, but our supervision session went further- more on this later. Before the session, I would have said that this was the best way for the CAM to end; both sides happy, the client has got what they wanted, the coach/mentor feels that they have done a good job, and this belief might be supported by any post-relationship feedback.
4. Ongoing, but which, perhaps, should end;
My ongoing CAM with my sole client precipitated the supervision discussion. My client and I had had coming up to 20 hours of coaching, spread over 21 sessions over a period of 43 months. This far exceeds the usual number of sessions I have with my clients (Mode=12, with a mean and median of 9). I was concerned that perhaps my coaching with this client had gone past being useful, and so should end, despite the fact that I had asked, after every session, whether they had got what they set out to get and whether they wanted to continue. The answers were that after about 4 or 5 sessions they had, but that they were finding the process useful so had other things they wanted to be coached on. This pattern has repeated itself a couple of times, reinforcing the idea that our coaching provides a safe space for them to discuss the issues at work that are concerning them, focussed on their behaviour and thoughts about their performance.
However, the supervision session did provoke me to be more direct with my client. This is what I wrote to them:
I had a supervision session yesterday where the subject of endings came up. It turned into a very fruitful session, reflecting on when a coaching relationship could and should end.
Now, you know I always ask you, after each session, whether you want to continue or not. Your answer is always yes, because you always have something else you want to explore, and I am always pleased that this is the case! But I cannot help thinking that maybe I don’t allow you enough time to properly reflect on that question. I’m concerned that our coaching has become something of a habit, a well-worn groove of behaviour that we are both used to, and comfortable with.
I asked myself; might another coach be more useful to you than me? It would be my duty as your coach to ask you that question, so that you could get the best possible coaching for what you need.
Now, at the moment, it is impossible for you to answer that question, because you don’t know what is ‘out there’ by way of alternative coaching provision. Fortunately, my supervision group are all Civil Service coaches and they have told me that the central Civil Service provision has recently been revitalised with a new searchable coach database.
So, can I ask you to please consider my question: “Might another coach be more useful to you than me?” Have a look at the database and maybe see if there are some other coaches who might give you what you want. I’m not saying we should stop. Far from it. I’m just trying to give you the best coaching that will push you and your career forwards. That might be with me (hurray!). Or it might not.
They replied within a week, saying they were looking for a coach within their organisation to help with specific questions, but also happy to continue, to build on what he had achieved on wider issues. At the time of writing this CAM relationship is ongoing.
It was this that provided the context for my supervision session and the question I had posed to the group: when should a coaching relationship end? We had a long conversation and this, following some further reflection by me, is the result.
When does a coaching relationship end?
I’ll look at this from the perspective of the coach and the client.
From my perspective as a coach:
a) Objectively:
The obvious answer is when the contract has been fulfilled.
But how often does this happen when the client is satisfied with their progress against their aims, both sides write ‘The End’ and go away and live happily ever after? In my experience, very rarely indeed.
What happened in the 30 that ended mutually was that, for nearly all of them, the coaching revealed to the client that there was something more fundamental underlying their initial contract that they wanted to address.
Sometimes they could identify what this was, could address it and then we could end the coaching.
For other clients, they could not put their finger on what it was, and we could continue our coaching to identify that and then address it before we could end.
For each client, in each session, they drove the agenda, In each session, I would end by asking if we had reached the end, had they got from the session what they wanted to get, and if not, what did they want to discuss next time? So that is that, as far as the objective outcomes of these coaching relationships are concerned. The ‘final outcome’ is something objective: something that can be described in more-or-less concrete terms. But what about the subjective things? In other words, when does a CAM relationship end ‘psychologically’?
b) Subjectively:
This is the emotional side of the coaching relationship, because CAM is a relationship between two people, so emotions on both sides will automatically be playing a part. This is a good thing: as coaches, our job is to create trust and rapport so that our client can talk freely, and to monitor that relationship to ensure it remains fully professional. That does not mean we should not come to like our client (I hope that any we dislike we would have weeded out at the chemistry-meeting stage).
(FOOTNOTE: Of course, this does pose another question: what is ‘professional liking or disliking’? This is not about friendship, but it is about a spectrum of the reciprocal feelings between two people that can range, in the extremes, from deep and abiding love to deep and abiding hatred and loathing. I have used ‘professional liking’ here to mean a mutual respect and understanding that does nit go as far as friendship- both sides enjoy the other’s company but know that there is an objective purpose to their relationship such that they do not get together just because they enjoy each other’s company.)
I think that, at the end of every coaching relationship I have had, I have felt a sense of loss,
FOOTNOTE: The closest I can come to describing this is to say that it is ‘mono no aware’, pronounced moh-noh noh ah-wah-ray, a Japanese term for the pathos of things, like a sigh for the impermanence of life (see ’The Book of Human Emotions’ by Tiffany Watt Smith) by which I mean that a relationship that had a purpose and which I enjoyed moving towards that purpose, has come to an end and will never occur again. usually, it’s a loss tinged with pride that I have done a good job, that my client has left with what they wanted to learn, or with something they discovered they wanted to learn during the coaching itself. I have always had a sense of curiosity as to what happened to them: did they find what they learned useful? I have always ended by offering each client my services should they need them again. In all but one case this offer has never been taken up. I have been tempted to contact them to ask, and have always resisted.
But of course, that begs the question, why was I tempted in the first place? I think an answer lies in the fact that as coaches, we do make a relationship, albeit a professional one, but that does mean that there will, must, be some emotional bond between coach and client. Recognising that the relationship has an emotional dimension is important for two reasons. First, without it, I suggest that the coaching will not work. Second, by recognising and acknowledging its existence, the coach will be more aware if it moves outside that grey-area professional boundary. It follows that, when that relationship comes to an end, there will be some sense of loss. I have heard (listen to this podcast- see references at end) that some coaches never hold a meeting labelled as ‘final’ because they cannot face that sense of loss; instead, the ‘final’ meeting is indefinitely postponed, with an offer that the client can always come back if the client feels they need to. In a way, this is a fifth type of ending: the ‘disguised ‘ ending.
If I think about other working relationships that have ended, I have always tried to tie them off with some kind of celebration; a meal or a drink, to mark our mutual achievements and start to look forward to the different futures that beckon. There was always an element of pride in those, and there was nearly always an element of pride at the end of a coaching relationship, for much the same reason. So naturally I did and do feel curious about how they got on, but have to resist the temptation to cyber-stalk them on Linked-in! As my fellow supervisee so pithily put it; “I’m interested, but not interested as a coach.” (His emphasis.)
My perception of the client’s perspective:
As a coach, I believe there SHOULD be an ending, AND that the final outcome must lie in my client’s control. So the question is WHEN should a CAM relationship end? What is ‘final’ for them? Was our contracting clear enough? If I think about it, and the podcast did mention this, as coaches we start with the end in mind, when we set out our contract. But how rigorously do we pursue that contract? That depends upon the coach’s style, which, of course, depends on their personality. I like to let my clients talk, chipping in with material where appropriate, but always with the objective in mind. If I think the conversation is veering too far away from the objective, I will ask the client how they consider the conversation to be relevant to their objective; if they are happy, then we continue, if not, then we can reset. Such ‘wandering’ can happen over the course of several sessions, but I always remind them at the start of each where they have said they want to go, as they are in charge of the process. This may uncover other things they want to achieve or to address. But when my client and I eventually arrive (as in most cases, we do), then they know when the end has come. This, the ‘final outcome’ lies in their control. This approach may not be possible when a coaching relationship is paid for and has a fixed number of sessions, in which case the coach might have to be a bit more directive. But for my coaching, within an organisation, not paid for, the relationship could have as many or as few sessions as were needed by the client.
Maybe my sole current coaching relationship is open-ended because, to my mind, it is my last CAM relationship? In which case, given my client’s firm desire to continue, it would appear to have become an ongoing ‘project-based’ coaching relationship that evolves organically as time progresses and my client’s career develops and grows.
Conclusion
I always entered into a new CAM relationship expecting a good ending and was surprised by the (few) bad endings. You can’t win them all, so I am satisfied that I have given my clients a good professional service and that they have got what they wanted and, perhaps, needed, from me.
But what is the best possible outcome for a client? Going back to my supervision group, we concluded that it was:
They got what was in their best interest AND the coach’s best interest, where their coach acted professionally, maintaining an appropriate distance from the client, while maintaining a professional curiosity aimed at maintaining the coach’s engagement towards the client’s needs.
Of course, thus begs the question of what being ‘professional’ means. One of my colleagues described it as “being disconnectedly connected, and balancing the rational against the emotional in us (if we can separate them)”. But that’s for another blog I think.
So the coach’s overall aim is to see that their client is getting and will keep on getting the best possible coaching with the best possible coach. This may mean that the client needs a new coach! How is the coach to know this? They should ask their client!
Andrew Parrock (MSc, CMgr, MCMI) has, since graduating in 1980, been a teacher, a tax specialist and a manager. He spent 10 years as a volunteer mentor with undergraduate students at UCL and, later, Brunel University as part of the National Mentoring Consortium. He discovered coaching late in his career and has now become an accredited coach at Practitioner Level with the European Mentoring and Coaching Council (EMCC).
References
Podcast: S4 Episode 5: Endings in Coaching with Derek Hill
https://thecoachinginn.podbean.com/e/endings-in-coaching-with-derek-hill/
